"Front Crawl" Revisited

revision: the art of divorcing your darlings and seeing possibilities anew

This morning I attended a class on revising poetry at The Loft Literary Center downtown. There were eight of us and it’s my second in-person class in two weeks and egads and heavens to Betsy, do writing and talking about writing and sharing air with other writers ever so lavishly fill my bucket. Revising investigates so many of our hang-ups: Do you really have a growth mindset? Can you work hard? Are you willing to let go? Will you embrace new possibilities?

We did a few different exercises and prompts, all intended to excavate the true heart of the poem. Finding where the mess of a poem opens up its meaning. Treating our poems like animals - wild, furry, living creatures, with complicated pasts and needs. It was a delightful way to spend my Saturday morning and I revised three poems and wrote two new ones and left feeling like a better writer with a heftier tool belt.

Below are before-and-after drafts of my poem, “Front Crawl.” (This poem was published this past fall in Last Stanza Poetry Journal, Issue #18. A rougher draft was once posted on here, so it might sound familiar.) The revision exercise was goofy. Our teacher (who happens to be one of my favorite poets), Chelsea DesAutels, rolled a 20-sided die with various phrases to direct our focus while working out a new draft. My phrase was less decoration. I interpreted the prompt as cutting out images that weren’t serving the piece’s thematic pulse. I think it got me to its crux faster, made it more personal with less distractions. The exercise also made space for a fresh look at the language. The changes were minor, but I think they enhanced the poem’s rhythm and slightly shifted its sound. The symbol of water was cut from some earlier lines I felt were “decoration,” so I focused on verbs that relate to water towards the end. I like the new version much better.

Here are two resources if you’re interested in seeing how some of the stars revise: Back Draft - Guernica; Underbelly.

*******

Front Crawl (published Oct. 2024 version)

I thought I'd be a Free-Range Mom, promoter
of Look-Away Parenting and brave
hatchlings hurled into ponds to fend for themselves, 
wielding saws and hammers, minor mishaps 
sharpening self-confidence, ensuring survival.
But what I am is tightly wound: still drowning
in the afterbirth of still hearts and anaphylaxis,
umbilical neckties and toddler migraines 
mirroring brain bleeds. Why are they still trapped
in the trauma unit? Everywhere you look,
a poor prognosis: cancer in our snacks, pedophiles
in our pockets; aggravated assault and anxiety rates 
rising with tides; death by peanut a lick away.
But time goes one direction. My watch 
on them - sucking air each third stroke -
all legs and sass, yesterdays and tomorrows,
a gut-punch of now I'm learning to swim in
or at least tread water.
I just want us all to wear life vests.

********

Front Crawl (revised Feb. 15, 2025 version)

I thought I'd be a free-range mom,
hurling hatchlings into ponds to fend for themselves.
But what I am is tightly wound, still drowning
in the afterbirth of still hearts and anaphylaxis,
umbilical neckties and diapered migraines.
Why are we trapped in the trauma unit?
Everywhere you look, a grim prognosis:
cancer in our snacks, pedophiles in our pockets,
aggravated assault and anxiety rates
rising with tides. Death by peanut a lick away.
But time flows one direction. My watch stuck
on them - sucking in air each third stroke - 
all legs and wants, yesterdays and tomorrows,
a gut-punch of now I'm learning to swim in
or at least tread water.
I just want us all to wear life vests.

I’ll post a couple of the others later this week. Historically, certain personality flaws have interfered with my ability to revise: chiefly, generalized defensiveness and a misguided belief that I was a magical unicorn whose flashes of poetic inspiration were best left unpolished. Thank God I’ve made it over the hill! Revising is life! And hope and possibility and progress. Growth mindset for the win! Woo-hoo!